The doctor told me in order to protect my vision; I should always wear sunglasses whenever I am outside.  So, I left his office and went to Walmart to get the darkest clip-on’s I could find. I also bought a prescription pair of sunglasses so I will always have sunglasses whenever I need them.  They are massive- sort of like Jackie O’s- she was always in style, right?

So, as you can see- I am inclined to do what the doctor tells me to do.  However, I also believe I must live my own life, make my own choices as it is my life.  Therefore, when I have to see everything, for the beauty of it all, I will go against his orders and live my life.

So far, here are some times that I took the sunglasses off:

A secluded beach in Australia- the water as blue, turquoise as I’ve ever seen- It was magical- It still brings me bliss just the thought of its beauty

Taking pictures of Koalas. To see them in the trees, grazing, sleeping was a once in a lifetime chance for me.       Side notes, we took a tour on Kangaroo Island and we saw Koalas, Kangaroos, sea Lions and wallabies- totally work the money for me.  Also , koala’s are marsupials,  NOT koala bears- Aussies don’t like it when you call them bears- I learned that the hard way!

A couple of the street art walls in Melbourne.

 The Sydney Opera House.

Firestone, Colorado- I saw 3 bald eagles sitting on utilities poles,  2 on one pole and the third on the next pole.

After a big snow storm, I was driving to Wyoming and the snow was piled high. The sun had melted the snow just a little and on the hillsides, the snow looked like rolling clouds.  The hills were glistening as if angels or fairies had sprinkled their magic dust.

While my husband was taking a graduation picture of our daughter- the backdrop was the Rocky Mountains. To see her and the mountains in all of their beauty will bring me joy for the rest of my life.

This too, is a list I will visit and write about often on my journey to blindness. I believe life’s joys are meant to be seen, heard and felt to the fullest, sometimes with consequences- that’s part of the uncertainty, adventure and it makes for great storytelling material.

What did you see today?

Janice Ekholt

2

My definition of rabbit holes is the following- I go places in my mind that I probably don’t need to because of imaginary or unnecessary fear. 

In my situation though, unless some doctor finds the cure for Macular Degeneration in the next couple years, my vision will decrease to the point that I won’t be able to recognize anything.  Hence, impaired vision is a reality- not a rabbit hole.

Almost immediately after the diagnosis, the rabbit holes I visited were thoughts such as:  I won’t be able to drive- true.  I won’t be able to fly- false. Especially since I have never flown on a broom in the first place, although I think a few of my employees or again my children when they were teenagers might want to argue that point.  The big one- I won’t be able to travel- false.  I am determined that I will be able to travel and experience the world.  What that “looks” like is going to be different than I had planned- that’s all.

The following are a few of the rabbit holes I have gone into and had to climb myself out of about how life will change with Mac D/impaired vision and blindness

How will I- in no particular order of priority:

1. Emotionally deal with not ever having visions or being able to see my family and friends or strangers for that matter
2. Be fashion savvy and color coordinated
   
3. Buy airplane tickets or anything else on my travel agenda
4. Pay the bills or any other day to day chores
5. “See” the world during my travels
6. Differentiate between my vitamins and my medications
7. Not trip over crap I’ve left laying around
8. Find anything

Those tasks and thoughts run through my mind.  There are times I am panic stricken- frozen in fear and terror with tears streaming down my face.  And then, I put my big girl panties on. I realize I still have the good life.  Then I start thinking about what I am going to put into place to make damn sure, I live my life to the fullest in spite of MacD.

I know I will visit these rabbit holes again, and, I will have a running list. Some will need to be dismissed as illogical. Some will be fact and there is nothing I can do about it. However, I’m sure there will be many that I come up with creative ways to solve the no-vision issue, so I can continue to live my good life.

I will return and write about rabbit holes during my blogging journey. I believe that will keep me on task- to be grateful for the vision I have. When I don’t have vision anymore, I will still have things to be grateful for in my life. I will also revisit the 8 above and decide what my solutions are- so stay tuned.

What did you see today?

Janice Ekholt 4/16/19

I woke up to a skiff of snow today. I changed clothes 3 times. What purple shirt, what color pants, which jacket- floral or a black sweater cover. In time, those decisions will no longer be “an issue” for me. I realized I needed to be grateful again that I can see which purple shirt and that I see the snow gracing inself on the soil of my backyard.

As I got into my car and drove down the main road to my favorite starbucks, I saw 2 Canadian geese waddling down a walking path. They were side by side and I thought of the love of my life. I also thought of my friend and her husband. More on that in a moment.

I am grateful I currently have the sight to drive. Driving has given me so much independence and opportunity to see so many beautiful places on this planet. 44 of 50 states, Mexico, Canada and St. Maarten. Someday I might tell you stories of international driving. Today, I drove myself to a place I really didn’t want to go. I drove to a friend’s funeral. Cancer stole her away from us. She was only 59 years old.

My friend was a caring, generous and a funny person. Her laugh was contagious. She loved children of any age. She loved crafting, quilting, music of all genres and gardening- just to name a few of her favorite things. She loved her family, her husband, so many others, my daughters and for me, most importantly, she loved me. My friend knew I had MacD. She told me a few months ago- “When I’m gone, I’ll watch over you”

I watched so many of my friends, acquaintances and her family, file in to the funeral service. I looked at all the beautiful flowers. I watched the video of her life from an infant to just days before her death. I saw all the shades of purple we wore in her honor. I saw my friends shed tears. I watched her husband couragously speak about her. I saw a friend and her sister get up and speak to us all about the funny tales of their experiences with my friend. I saw sorrow but, I saw more love.

I am grateful I was able to see all of this today, despite my sadness and tears. I will miss seeing my friend, but I will always have her in my heart and I know she is watching over me.

What did you see today?

Janice Ekholt

I have always known that vision wasn’t one of my learning styles.  Countless times in my life, my keys, checkbook, you name it,  I couldn’t see it, even when it was right in front of me.  When I retrace my steps- I can’t envision my steps, just how it felt or what I heard. I wonder how many times my mother said to me- “If it was a snake, it would have bit you.” She’s been gone a long time and I can still hear her say it…

When I was a teenage girl, my friends would tell me about that “cutest” pair of jeans or shirt at the local-best in fashion clothing store, going into great detail about the color, shape, blah, blah, blah, closing their eyes and recounting every detail.  I would nod my head politely and smile with their excitement.  Reality was and is, I can’t  do that.  I see nothing, I can’t conjure anything up in my mind.  All I see when I close my eyes is millions of tiny colorful dots dancing and moving, all in disarray.  I count them at night instead of sheep. 

For those that have a visual learning style, this must be terrifying – I concur. I am afraid, terrified, and a whole lot more of those emotions we as humans try to avoid. BUT, I will not bow down to fear.

Interestingly to me, despite being told, that I was “smart”, after 50 some years, I have not realized how reliant I am on my vision- until now. I guess, like so many others, I have taken sight for granted. Racing through life, work, kids- I have taken a lot of things for granted. Vision isn’t one of them anymore.

These last six months have truly given me a new perspective. Everyday I get up and say- Wow, it’s so cool, beautiful, wonderful, a miracle- I can See! I wake up to seeing the love of my life- 30 years and counting, I see the Rocky Mountains from my deck or the bomb snow cyclone- (side note, I think meteorologists got bored and started making up names for just plain old good blizzards). I see family pictures- I love the pictures of my young daughters posing with a dolphin. I see momentos, art, coffee cups, magnets, etc of many of the amazing places I have been honored to “see”.

There have been many times that I go down a rabbit hole. I think it’s human and natural that I have sadness that in the future, I won’t see those momentos or my kids and the love of my life. But, for now, each morning I wake up and I work to have Gratitude, amazement and wonder- curiosity of what else can I see and experience today and in the present moment.

What did you see today?

Janice Ekholt 4/12/19

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Really? Now what am I supposed to do…

I am a typical, 50 something married, professional woman and my life’s desire has been to be a gypsy, traveling the world, taking in all its great wonders and treasures.  The food, the landscape, the history, the animals, but, mostly the people. What do they love and hold dear that is different and the same as I do, their passions and experiences- culture and diversity. That was/is the plan- to travel extensively when I retire.  Planes, trains and automobiles were in the near future.  Every day a new adventure is the dream. I am so close to retirement, I can taste it.  I could now, but, I don’t think it would be the most responsible thing to do.   

 I went to the eye doctor in October 2018 hoping to get new glasses before I went to Australia so I could see all the cool animals (and street signs) and treasures in that beautiful country.  I came out with the diagnosis of Macular Degeneration .  I had heard of it, I have an elderly friend that was diagnosed a couple years ago, but really had no idea other than- it affects your vision. 

 The Doc’s statement was you will slowly lose your vision in 5 to 10 to 15 years.  Really?  That throws a huge wrench into my future plans.  Now what….  The first couple weeks I went down so many Rabbit holes I can’t count that high- especially since I was a Sociology major.  

5-15 years? He later revised that to say 2 years if it progresses as much as it has in the past year.  Well now, I am a planner- or as my kids would say a control freak, so how the Hell do you plan for that? Do I retire now?  What happens when I am blind and…. Fill in the blank.

 How am I going to travel and “see” the world- My dreams seemed to be dashed in the span of 30 minutes.   That being typed- I have been known throughout my life for my thinking out of the box, curiosity, determination and tenacity

So,  We shall see- or not see what happens from here on out.  The following are my tales of my journey to blindness.

Janice Ekholt