It’s been a number of years now, the day the doc told me I had Mac D. I still remember that day very clearly. I was fraught with fear- What is going to happen to me when I do go blind? How am I going to cope. What needs to change so that I can exist functionally in my environment. All good questions that I had no clue what the answers were. I still don’t.
My maternal grandmother had Mac D. I think she was in her early to mid 80’s when she went totally blind. She died at 92. I remember my grandmother going blind, sort of. It was a gradual thing- she stopped driving, then she stopped cooking. I remember one time in Yellowstone we were near some elk. She wanted to get a picture, she kept getting closer and closer. Finally the elk popped it’s head up from grazing. I said “that’s close enough grandma”. She was like 15 feet from a big cow elk. She stopped, took the picture and she walked away. That’s when I started realizing grandma was more blind than I knew.
I was an adult and had moved away, busy with my own life, young kids, work, family life, etc., so I didn’t see the day to day process of my grandmothers vision loss. I only saw her every other year or so. I called her every month. But, I never talked to her about being blind. I wish I had. She was an avid walker, even when she was blind. I guess she used to sneak out of the house and go for a walk-without a walking stick. I can’t quite wrap my brain around that yet. I closed my eyes today on my walk for about 10 paces and I was already off course….
My father had Mac D. I didn’t know that until after his death. My brother told me he was diagnosed in his 60’s. The doctor told him to take an eye vitamin. Since there is no cure for dry Mac D, that was probably the best advise at the time. My father never went blind, he died of cancer at 85.
Everyday, I wake up and I am so grateful I can see. I check to see if there are black dots, or holes in my vision. I do have the curvy lines (a straight line is no longer straight), but the doc says my Mac D has not changed much, if at all. It’s hard not to live in the fear of maybe, someday, which day, will I start to lose my vision or even ultimately become completely blind. I push those fears back every day. It’s like in the Time Traveler’s wife- “Not today Henry”, and then I think, “thank you universe”, I’m not blind today. After my moment of gratitude, I get up and Carpe Diem- seize the day. Somedays I’m outstanding at that, some days not so much, but I do it.
I think of my grandmother- her tenacity, her adaptability, her grace and trust of others to help her. With genetics on both sides, I hope my eyes are like my dad’s and see the people I love until the day I leave this big beautiful planet. But if I have my grandmother’s eyes, I hope I can have her strength.
What did you see today?
Butchart Gardens Vancouver Island British Columbia, Canada https://www.butchartgardens.com/
A Traveler's Journey to Blindness 